Personal Hygiene

I know we were all puritan at the beginning of this great country. But we have moved on. It's time for one of the more silly social faux pas/embarrassing subject matters to drop of the list.

Personal Hygiene.

This subject is a weird gray area. More men buy tampons and pads for the wives than in the past, but how many would admit to it; and furthermore, how many feel comfortable with it? When was the last time you heard 2 men (or were on of the 2) discussing what brand of shampoo or toothpaste they use? Let me tell you something:

this is silly.


No let me tell you something else:

I use butt wipes.

I had a very close friend of mine call me one day and exclaim "I figured out how to end gig-butt* forever!!!" This friend and I are close enough that we can have this discussion and 2 things evolved from that.

1) a complete anti gig-butt plan and,
2) a realization that 2 grown adults can talk about personal care without embarrassment.


So here is the plan. Share it. Love it. Embrace it. (the plan, not your friend, or his ass)

Step 1. Go to the grocery/drug store and buy yourself some butt wipes. They are for sale near toilet paper. There are only two brands as far as i know. One is Puffs and the other brand escapes me (but is equally linked to quality toilet paper).

Step 2. While in that aisle, buy some really thick, lotion enhanced, expensive toilet paper.

Step 3. (the gross part) Use less of the good toilet paper to wipe. When i say less i mean 5 or 6 sheets MAX! 4 is often perfect i find. Here's the trick: if you use too much cheap stuff or too much good stuff you don't actually get "up in there" and you don't cleanse yourself well. Do NOT over wipe with the toilet paper. Just once or twice (until you come away clean).

Step 4. (get ready, it's a shock for most Americans the first time) Get in there with the butt wipe. I usually don't fold it the first time... i go "full sheet". Then I fold and go at it second time. The first few times you use these I am convinced you are cleaning away 15 years of crud, so you may have to use 2 or even 3 sheets until they come away clean. But rest assured after a few trips to the "office" you won't usually need more than 1 or 2 swipes of toilet paper and 1 butt wipe.

Step 5. This is more guidance then step, but it needs to be said. Whether your a stand-wiper, sit-wiper, front-to-backer, back-to-fronter, scrubber, or afraid-to-get-your-hands-dirty-wiper, it is important to use a new technique with the above describe tools and process. The first step of this technique is to relax. No clenching. just take a deep breath and exhale slowly, completely relaxing your posterior. The second half of this technique is to slowly and carefully wipe, gently pushing ALL WAY into your crevice. I'm not saying violate yourself, but you do have to make firm solid contact here.

Believe it or not, this is all it takes to eliminate gig-butt. Do it every time. Buy the pocket sized pouch of the wipes when out of the house. (and when out of the house forgo the cheap toilet paper all together and use only the wipes).

As to lower issues (upper thigh chaffing) i can offer 2 suggestions.

1. Buy boxer briefs (thank me later). When you first purchase them i recommend getting 2 or 3 brands at once and selecting one you like. When you settle on a favorite go back to the exact same store and stock up. Manufactures change styles, distribution, even fabric content on an alarmingly regular basis so spend $75 on 7 packages of 3 or 4 pairs each and you'll be set for a year.

2. change your drawers ALL THE TIME. i mean it. if you are active or sedentary change your drawers during the day. Usually you have a private place (a backpack, bag, drawer, whatever) to keep some spare pairs in. I usually take a zip lock bag and a clean pair in my pocket (a little bulky, but doesn't look any more conspicuous than a blackberry) on the way to the bathroom. This will do wonders for chaffing, and gig-butt, and as an added bonus you will no longer have odor problems, skid marks, or any other disgusting undergarment issues.


I hope you take this to heart, and furthermore i hope this sparks some discussion amongst you on this and similar topics. Just remember this:

Whatever "it" is... we ALL do it. Every last one of us. The pope, Jesus, your girlfriend, sister, husband, child, boss, secretary etc. So relax, don't be embarrassed and feel better about being clean.

My breakthrough happened when i was caught at work carrying the wipes to the bathroom, and as i explained to a coworker she asked me where she could get them. The best part was as i walked away I realized her perception of me was one of a person confident in what he does and most importantly, someone she can probably assume is a clean, well groomed individual. How's that for a confidence booster? My friends and coworkers know for a fact that I am a healthy good smelling individual.... Rock On!

Proud of My Clean Butt,

-c


*you might ask what gig butt is.... it goes by a few names:

Gig Ass
Monkey Butt
Goat Ass
Mud Butt
Chaffing
Diaper Rash

But here is the general concept:

• Friction rash. This is the most common form of Gig Butt, and affects almost all roadies/stagehands at some time. It is most common on areas where friction is most pronounced, such as the inner thighs. It comes and goes quickly, and responds well to frequent underwear changes, airing out, and protective barriers.
• Irritant rash. This is most conspicuous on the exposed areas, such as the round part of the buttocks. It tends to spare skin folds and creases. It's generally the result of contact with stool enzymes or irritants such as harsh soaps, detergents, or topical medicines.
  
• Skin wetness. This is the common denominator underlying the various causes of Gig Butt. Even skin lesions of systemic illnesses tend to concentrate in areas where the skin is already damaged. Wetness increases skin friction, raises the skin pH, makes the skin less cohesive, and makes it more permeable. These effects combine to intensify the action of stool enzymes or other irritants that then inflame the skin. In all the above Gig Butt, the outermost layer of skin -- stratum corneum -- has been damaged. With this protective layer breached, it is easy for microorganisms such as yeast or bacteria to invade the inflamed skin. This makes the rash worse and less responsive to usual treatments.